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Showing posts from May, 2018

Life After Abuse: The Adult Version

Abuse is a tricky thing. A therapist once told me that the things that happen to you often will not surface in memory until your first stable, intimate, safe relationship. The bitch of it is, is that just when you start to feel great about life and things are looking up, here come the memories. The awful realizations of things that happened to you that you didn't understand until now. And holy shit does it destroy you.

Suddenly you are sad often. You are confused about why you are having these feelings when everything is going so great. You feel guilty because of your sadness in times when you seemingly have everything. The nightmares start and you don't know if they are reflections of what has happened or if they are just nightmares. Now on top of being sad you are tired, oh so tired. Tired from not getting good sleep, tired of the confusion, tired of feeling sad all the time and not having a way out.

The shittiest part about adulting is that you are required to work and pay bi…

"I would never be with someone who hit me"

I was sitting at a table eating lunch when I overheard the conversation. Three women sitting behind me were talking about their relationships. One woman admitted that her man had slapped her for something she said and she slapped him back. Another woman responded with, “I would never date someone who hit me” to which the woman responded back with, “well I hit him back so it’s okay”.
I don’t know what the rest of the conversation was. I was too lost in my own trigger. “I would never date someone who hit me”. Are there any little boys and girls out there dreaming of a relationship where their loved one hits them occasionally? Does Prince Charming order Cinderella around his house, making her pick up after him since he is the breadwinner of the two? Does Eric slap Ariel across the face from time to time because she wants to go out and have a drink with her friends? Does Snow White keep up on her self-defense practice because she doesn't know when she'll need to use them against th…

My Life With A Stalker

Having a stalker is something I joke about on and off because that’s how I deal with trauma (and because I have a dark sense of humor). But the truth of it is; life with a stalker is not funny. It is terrifying. I didn’t realize how much my stalker affected my life until I watched an Investigation Discovery show about stalking incidents. I listened to the survivors’ stories and how the experience with their stalker had such a large impact on their life. As I watched I felt a piece of me surface, a piece that I had been suppressing for years because I did not understand what it was. It was a feeling but not one I can describe very well: it is a fear combined with an anger combined with an open wound that you want people to acknowledge is there and that it must hurt like hell. I wanted someone else to know that I have a stalker. Stalking is real and it is life altering, even after the incident passes and you get away from the person.
A stalker does not have to be an ex –lover (although i…