Yes My Blog Post Is About You
It's been a minute since I've written to you all and I could provide a thousand excuses as to why I haven't had time. I've been busy at work or with kids; my house is still under construction, yadda yadda. But I've decided to unveil the real reason I paused: my blog has been used as ammunition against me. It has caused a rift in family and friend relationships. It cost me an entire day of interrogation in court ($3500 dollars for that day, to be exact). Yes, there are people reading, copying, printing, and texting my blog to others in an attempt to accuse me of starting shit. I have written blogs specifically about them. What an awful person I am. To say such things. To speak such truth.
First, I will not apologize for not "going along to get along". That type of behavior led me into some of the scariest, darkest times in my life. Years and years of lies and cover ups and fake smiles just to keep the boat from rocking. It never worked as the boat would always be flipped over regardless and I would find myself drowning without a life vest. It is a wonder I haven't drown by now because Lord knows there have been times where my arms are so tired that I do want to let go.
My blog has been a form of communication and relief for me. I say the things that are on a lot of people's mind, but they don't have the words to express how they feel. My goal is to give the words to use as ammunition to stand up for themselves against those that wrong them. And that makes me a bad person. God forbid I break tradition and say "Enough is enough. Stop the secrets". God forbid I say, "you know what, your behavior is really shitty and I don't want to be around you anymore". After an 8 year long marriage of a hell you can't fathom and 4 subsequent years of being tortured by multiple stalkers and attacked openly in front of others, I have stopped giving a fuck. Thy field by which I grow my fucks is barren. And it will stay that way.
I am here to make a blanket declaration: my blog is about you. I have made an educational career of studying psychology. On top of that, I have a gift. I am really good at reading people. Not only do I know what they're thinking but I can also predict their actions. In the world of psychology this is called "profiling". There is a reason profiling is a division in the FBI. Because it works. Because it's real. Most people fit into certain categories that influence their thoughts and behaviors. And while I'm really good at profiling you must know that I'm really bad at handling the side effects.
The side effects of my gift are backlash. Judgment. Hatred. All because I speak the truth. And 9.9 times out of 10, I am right. And holy shit does that make people angry. How could she possibly know these things? they think as they angrily text their spouse or lawyer or friends or parents about something I have said. But this is where the interesting part happens...people accuse me of writing a blog about them but deny that they have demonstrated the behaviors I talk about. Like...what in the actual fuck, you know? What the hell have you done or thought about doing that triggered you to think that my blog post was about you while at the same time you also say that you haven't done the things I write about? My ex asked that a judge demand that I take down my blog because it talks about domestic violence. But he denies being an abuser... so what is the problem again? I run into this problem over and over and I have no idea what to say except this: you can't reason with someone who's being unreasonable so why try.
But yes, my blog is about you. I don't know who you are. I have no way of knowing who reads my blogs, with the exception of when I'm notified through the grape vine that someone is talking about it. This blog isn't an update of what's going on in my life. It's a story of what HAS gone on in my life. One day it will be a book about my journey. But learning about my past isn't going to tell you about who I am now. If we aren't friends and you are trolling me I would really like to know why.
I know, though, it's a very difficult conversation to have and I understand why you feel you can only talk about me behind my back and not to my face. Talking to me face to face means you run the risk of stumbling across some truth you don't want to hear. You might contradict yourself by denying things that I know you have done. That gets uncomfortable. I understand. But you still owe me the dignity of saying something to my face. Stop carrying your hatred around and spewing it to others. Do the right thing and confront me. Your words get back to me anyway so might as well talk about it.
If I write a blog about being a domestic violence survivor and my experiences closely resemble your spouses' behavior...well, then my post is directed at you. If you have ever hurt one of your family members, either emotionally or psychically and lied about it to their face...my post is about you. If I write about hoarding disorder and some of the things I say describe your behavior...my post is about you. If I talk about the benefits of counseling and recommend that you go if you experience certain symptoms...my post is about you. If you are bi-polar, depressed, anxious, being abused, being an abuser, or being the person who tears apart relationships simply because it gives you something to do...then I'm writing to you. I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want with me or my blog. But if the shoe fits...lace that bitch up and wear it.
You need to understand I have a lifetime of OTHER people's experiences under my belt. People feel drawn to me and safe in disclosing things to me that no one else has talked about. There are some people out there who have told me stories of how shitty their siblings and parents are to them. How a sibling or parent committed suicide or murdered another family member. I have been told about a girl who was molested by her father for years and her mother blames her for the molestation to this day. I know of a girl who was raped by a family friend when she was 5 and her mother said it was "her own fault". I know secrets of families that go to church and walk around on a cloud as if they have been anointed by Jesus himself and have the ability to judge others by their Un-Christian behavior. I know of closeted pain killer addicts, heroin users, pot smoking or alcoholic parents. All of these situations sound crazy but I promise they are real. The trauma these people experience is real. Once they tell me their story, I continue on in life carrying a small portion of their pain with me. I share other people's burdens because I don't want them to be alone.
I write to tell people one of two things: I know who you are and I know what you've done and it is wrong. Or, I know who you are, I know what you've been through, and you have every right to be hurt, depressed, angry or addicted. I get it. I'm on your side.
If you can't deal with the things I say, delete this link. If you refuse to delete this link and instead forward it YET AGAIN to someone else, then you really need to consider why you are so focused on what I have to say. What is so wrong in your life that you have to attack me? Self reflection is where it's at. Just saying.