Abuse IS Your Business
The statistics are clear: you know someone who is being
abused. You may not be best friends. You may not be family. You may only know
them by association. A neighbor. A church member. Your kid’s friend’s parent.
The abuse may not be physical. But you do know someone who is in an abusive
relationship. And it is your business.
Statistics*
1 in 3 women and 1 in 7 men will experience domestic
violence in their lifetime (it is possible more men experience violence but
under report due to shame or disbelief).
20% of teenage girls
who have been in a relationship say a boyfriend threatened violence or
self-harm if presented with a breakup.
An abuse victim is 70
times more likely to die AFTER leaving an abusive situation than during.
Intimate partner violence is the leading cause of female
homicide and injury related deaths during pregnancy.
2 in 5 gay or bisexual men and 50% of lesbians will
experience intimate partner violence in their lifetime.
Women of domestic violence are 8 times more likely to be
killed by an intimate partner if there if there are firearms in the home.
Domestic violence is the 3rd leading cause of
homelessness among families.
10,000,000 children are exposed to domestic violence every
year.
Symptoms
The symptoms of domestic violence are difficult to detect.
The abuser and the abused are masters of disguise…their lives perfectly
choreographed to ensure that any blips in the performance can be excused or
covered up. They masquerade as a loving couple. They have photographs to prove
it. They have good jobs, lots of money, a nice house, fabulous vacations. If
ever questioned their friends will tell you they were the perfect couple and
violence is not even the remotest of possibilities.
But it is all a lie.
An abuser has complete control over the individual they are
abusing. The abused is not allowed to go places without the abuser in tow. If
they are allotted such a freedom they are plagued with texts and phone calls
requesting check-ins, pictures of proof or just plain attention. The abused are
not allowed to be alone. Someone is always around and many times it’s the
children.
The abused person has small injuries…often. They brush it
off as being clumsy. They fall into walls, run into cabinets or doors, trip
going down the stairs. They are good at covering up with make-up or clothing.
You will rarely see them uncovered. Just study their arms over a period of
time. The arms tell so many stories. The stories are always well thought out
and rehearsed before you ever hear them. They are often logical though a bit
far-fetched and yet the witnesses all confirm the same facts: it was an
accident.
The abuser makes all the decisions. The abused must always
check with their intimate partner or ask to use money. Oftentimes invitations
are declined for no reason other than they don’t want to have a discussion with
their abuser about what they are spending money on, why they are hanging out
with a certain person or exactly what they are doing in their free time.
Every minute is accounted for, always. An abused person will
rush out from work to ensure they are not late getting home. If they cannot
leave immediately they are on the phone with a pre-emptive explanation for the
delay. They are trying to prevent a blow up from happening when they return
home.
An abused person may cancel plans or call out of work often.
Their excuses always sound legitimate but the reason is always the same: they
got into a fight with their abuser and the abuser won. Maybe winning left a
physical mark, maybe not. Sometimes winning is simply the act of forcing
someone to do something you told them to do. The control is satisfying…for the
time being.
There is always a witness. Somewhere, somehow, SOMEBODY saw
SOMETHING. More often than not it is the children in the household. They may
not understand what they have witnessed. It could have been a heated argument;
it could have been physical intimidation or injury. The children will always
fight for both of their parents and defend them. After all, they have also been
given parts to play. They may be told what to do and say. “Don’t tell family
secrets” is a common warning. But upon questioning things can be uncovered.
Children know the truth. They know right from wrong just by gut instinct. If
something feels scary, it is wrong. And they will tell if they feel safe.
What can you do?
There are many ways to prevent domestic violence without
being directly involved.
Report. If you SEE something, SAY something. Teachers,
counselors, police officers, youth services workers, doctors and nurses are all
mandated reporters. You can report anonymously. You can also call your state’s
reporting hotline. Give all of the information you know. Overshare if you must.
Give the reporter as much information as possible so they can make a
determination on whether or not an investigation should happen.
Donate your items. Your local women’s shelter is always in need of everyday items…clothing,
food, toiletries, cleaning supplies, bedding…the list is endless. Cash
donations also suffice in keeping people employed to run the shelter.
Donate your time. People who have just left an abusive relationship need
others. They need normality. Sometimes they want to talk about what happened.
Sometime they want to talk about the weather. Or the football game. Or their
kids. They just need someone. Contact your local shelter to find out how to
sign up. There are never enough volunteers.
Or maybe the person who needs your time has not yet gone to
a shelter but they are considering it. Be an ear. Don’t be judgmental. It is
not your job to fix the situation. It is not your job to advise. It is your job
to listen. Sometimes all someone needs is the ability to freely say, out loud, “What
is happening to me is wrong” and to feel validated.
Remember: ABUSE IS YOUR BUSINESS. You are giving a voice to
the silenced.
*Statistical Reference (2014): 30 Shocking Domestic Violence Statistics that Remind us It's an Epidemic
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